Aug 18, 2008

You ever feel like...

...there's something profound brewing in your head? Like there's something you want to say to those you love or people in general?

Perhaps the catalyst for these feelings is that you've had a life changing event or maybe you've had some sort of epiphany. I can't be anyone but myself so I don't pretend to know if anyone else feels this way. For me, it was sort of both. An epiphany and a life changing event.

I have moments like this, periods of time that are sometimes days long. These thoughts aren't constant but they come and go with remarkable frequency and I have to wrestle with trying to form them into something worthwhile. For the most part, I fail miserably.

Still, I feel like there's something to be said, something to be done, and I can't figure out what it is.

It's been a weird year. Arguably one of the healthiest years of my life in a lot of ways though.

My apologies for not explaining the specifics of the last several references. I tend to be very vague here on the blog. The interweb tubes are a place full of crazy people. I don't want those crazy people to have too much information on my family or me for that matter.

I'm pretty happy these days. That's the root of it, I think. Happier than I have been in a long, long time. Perhaps since I was 15, 16 years old. Amidst that happiness is the idea that I'm not dependent on anyone else for that happiness.

I'm not hanging on the words of others for validation. I'm not destroyed inside by a single harsh word or critical response. I'm not doing things for the sole purpose of trying to please and get the approval of others.

It took so long to get here and I didn't even know that I was trying.

I'm very, very flawed. I'm okay with it. I take pride in knowing that I put my time into things that matter now. My kids. My family.

I don't feel like a complete failure all the time. I used to. Even in the midst of success, I'd find myself feeling as if it was just luck that brought me to the point of that particular success. Now, I just enjoy the successes when they happen. I deserve them as much as I deserve the failures, that's for sure.

I like making other people smile. The moment that I manage to get someone to smile, to laugh is so indescribably wonderful. Every day is a joy with my kids because, most of the time, my time spent with them is full of laughter and joy. Eventually, the old man won't be so amusing and they won't want me to wander up and randomly tickle the sides of their neck so that their heads scrunch down like some sort of human-turtle hybrid, but for NOW...they don't mind so much.

I like to discourage people from being so offended by every little thing that comes their way. At some point, you can't change people. They are who they are and your frustration, anger, and scorn do little but fuel the very behavior that offends in the first place. Some people just don't get it, never will, don't want to.

The only person you'll ever be able to change, period, is you. In this case, I mean me. However, it also applies if you're saying it to yourself. So then it would be me or you. The point would have been better made if I'd just left it alone. Hopefully, this makes some sense.

Once again, I've wandered from the path of what I was hoping to say, trying to get out. It's elusive. It's like a 9-volt battery on your tongue. You only want to keep it there for a second. Unless you're stubborn or a glutton for the taste of batteries. Okay, it's not really like that at all.

It's being full of emotion. Full of genuine affection for anyone who's been in your life in even the most remotely positive way...and not being able to express it. It's feeling like if you told all the people that you felt that way about, how you felt...they'd probably just look at you awkwardly and try to quickly change the subject.

It's not cool to just care about people, right? You're supposed to justify it, aren't you? It's not normal to love people who have been a lot more hurtful than helpful in your life, right? Yet I do. Can't explain it. I, to this day, miss folks who have long since left my life, because I love em'. Friends from childhood, relatives who have passed, relatives who are still here but are inexplicably toxic, relationships vacated, coworkers in other parts of the world now...I just can't explain it.

Can you care too much? I've always felt that you can't. That feeling is a lot more tempered by a clear mind and a reasonably coherent thought process these days.

I don't have a solid conclusion to this babble-fest. All I can think to end it with is a simple request.


No comments: