Oct 15, 2008

'Anything you can do upstairs, you can do downstairs.'

I found out yesterday that someone very important in my life is seriously ill. This isn't the first time I've dealt with this. I've dealt with more than a handful of serious illnesses in my family, with death.

Some of my earliest memories and feelings relate to my brother who died very early on in my life. Even so, every time I've gone through this sort of thing in my family or with close friends, it's been tough. I guess that isn't a big surprise. I imagine it's tough for anyone.

There's no guarantee that the outcome is going to be bad. The talking to folks on the phone yesterday about this led me to believe that it doesn't look good right now but I can only hope for the best, right?

After talking to folks but not to the person who's ill, I find myself wondering how to approach them. I don't want to walk into the room where this person is sitting, wondering how they're going to get through this, and dump my fear and pain on them. It would be rude and it would be pretty damned self-centered, ya' know?

At the same time, I want to be able to say some things that have certainly been said before but bear repeating. How much I value, love, and respect them. How my life was changed only for the better for their having been in my life. By saying that, I feel like I'm sort of saying goodbye though. Ya' get me? The last thing I want them to think is that I've given up on them and their chances for recovery.

It's a hard row to hoe. Always has been, always will be. I can only hope that when I see em' in a couple of days, I know the right way to act, the right things to say.

I'll probably make a mess of it. It wouldn't be a first and I know it won't be a last. All I know for sure is that I'll tell em' I love em'. Everything else will have to shake out when I get there.

I am sustained by the idea that the love I give is, more often than not, returned with interest. I am strengthened by it and I truly hope that the same is true in reverse.

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